Self-love is often misunderstood. It’s not about narcissism or putting yourself above others—it’s about building a relationship with yourself that is grounded in respect, truth, and compassion. At the heart of this lies the ability to not live to please others, but to honor your own boundaries, your own values, and your own worth.
✦ A Personal Note on People-Pleasing
For a long time, I believed that being liked was the same as being valuable. I thought that if others approved of me, that meant I was doing something right. But that belief slowly became a trap. I started adjusting who I was to fit into imagined expectations—expectations that were often projections of my own fears, not actual thoughts from others. The turning point came when I realized that trying to control how others perceive me wasn’t just exhausting—it was a form of manipulation disguised as kindness. I had to reeducate myself to understand that true self-love is built on authenticity, not approval.
1. Understand That Self-Love Doesn’t Require External Validation
You can’t fully love yourself if your worth depends on how others perceive you. Trying to be liked by everyone means sacrificing your own needs, time, and authenticity.
Instead of asking:
- “Will they like me if I say this?” Try:
- “Is this true to who I am?”
As the author Brené Brown reminds us:
“You either walk inside your story and own it, or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.”
The moment you stop seeking validation, you begin to reclaim your personal power.
2. Replace Approval-Seeking with Honest Self-Reflection
People-pleasing often stems from fear: fear of rejection, fear of being misunderstood, fear of disconnection. But when you turn your attention inward, you begin to build strength from within.
Try asking yourself:
- “Am I doing this because it feels right, or because I want to be accepted?”
- “What do I actually want in this situation?”
- “If I say no, will I lose something—or will I gain freedom?”
This kind of honesty helps you reconnect with what really matters.
3. Learn to Disappoint Others Without Guilt
You won’t make everyone happy—and you shouldn’t try. When you say yes to things that hurt or exhaust you just to avoid conflict, you are saying no to yourself.
It’s okay to:
- Say no to things that don’t align with your values.
- Let people feel disappointed—they’ll survive.
- Trust that the right people will respect your boundaries.
In the words of author Cheryl Richardson:
“If you avoid conflict to keep the peace, you start a war inside yourself.”
Self-love means having the courage to let go of harmony at any cost.
4. Stop Projecting Imaginary Judgments
Much of our suffering comes not from real criticism, but from imagining what others might be thinking. These mental projections become scripts we play over and over—and they’re rarely true.
Ask yourself:
- “Is this an actual opinion someone expressed—or is it my imagination?”
- “Am I assuming too much about what others expect of me?”
- “What if they’re not even thinking about me at all?”
The philosopher Alan Watts put it simply:
“You are under no obligation to be the person you were five minutes ago.”
You’re allowed to change—and you’re not responsible for other people’s mental movies.
5. Redefine What It Means to Care About Others
Caring for people doesn’t mean sacrificing your identity. Empathy doesn’t require erasing yourself. True connection is built when you show up as you are, not as a version designed to be liked.
To care for others:
- Be present, not perfect.
- Be honest, not just agreeable.
- Be respectful without self-betrayal.
Self-love and love for others are not opposites—they are interdependent.
6. Reconnect with What Brings You Joy (Not Applause)
One of the best ways to break free from people-pleasing is to pursue what genuinely brings you joy, even if no one sees or applauds it.
Do things that:
- Bring you fulfillment—even in solitude.
- Remind you of your creativity, curiosity, or playfulness.
- Recharge your energy instead of depleting it.
Live in a way that you can say:
“Even if no one sees this, it matters to me.”
7. Accept That Being Misunderstood Is Part of Being Authentic
When you stop performing for approval, some people will be confused. Others might disapprove. That’s normal. That’s freedom.
Instead of defending or overexplaining yourself:
- Let go of the need to be understood.
- Know that clarity within is more valuable than agreement outside.
- Trust that authenticity is stronger than appearances.
As James Clear wrote in Atomic Habits:
“Be the designer of your world and not merely the consumer of it.”
Design your relationships based on real connection—not expectation management.
8. Create a “Self-Respect Compass”
When in doubt, ask yourself:
- “Will I respect myself after doing this?”
- “Is this aligned with the person I want to become?”
- “Am I doing this to protect my peace or gain someone’s favor?”
When you use self-respect instead of approval as your compass, your confidence naturally grows.
9. Let Go of the Idea That Love Must Be Earned
You don’t have to earn love by being easy, perfect, or agreeable. You deserve love just for being yourself.
That means:
- You are allowed to rest without guilt.
- You are allowed to make mistakes without shame.
- You are allowed to change your mind and grow without apology.
Real self-love begins when you stop proving your worth and start inhabiting it.
10. Make Peace with Not Being for Everyone
You are not for everyone—and that’s not only okay, it’s necessary. Trying to be liked by everyone leads to mediocrity. Being true to yourself might repel some, but it will deeply connect you to the right people.
Final reminder:
“When you start acting like you know your worth, people will stop treating you like you don’t.”
Final Thoughts
Self-love is not selfish. It’s the courage to belong to yourself in a world that constantly pressures you to belong to others.
When you stop performing and start being,
When you choose respect over approval,
When you love yourself without needing to be liked—
That’s when you discover your truest confidence.
You are not here to be liked by everyone.
You are here to be you—fully, freely, and unapologetically.